my therapist might as well have kissed me on the forehead and then shot me in the throat and then kicked me while i lay in a ditch. i feel more broken and more alone than ever.
money down the drain. hours of time wasted. and for what?! to hear what i already know. to be labelled with ridiculous things? to be put down for something she encouraged?
to be told i should be further along in progress than what i am now. WHAT THE HELL. who says that to their patient?!!? who in their right mind?! even if that was the case i can't think of one instance where it would be okay to say that. how horrible it made me feel. how crap it made me feel about myself. and seriously what does that say about her?! we have been working on the same stuff for months and where have i got? NO WHERE
don't ask if i am okay. don't ask if I've taken medication.
don't come near me. don't hug me and then turn your back on me. don't tell me you understand and then do the opposite of what i ask.
don't comfort me if you don't mean it.
don't do anything unless you mean it.
everything hearts. mind body soul.
i am in pain. a pain i don't know how to heal.
i feel i need to see my therapist every day. or at least every week. or second week?
i feel so desperate for someone to listen and understand. someone help me. someone lift me up from this black hole of depression.
i am in trouble. a lot of trouble. i am doubting my ability to keep myself alive or safe. i feel dissociated. i feel alone. i feel misunderstood.
is there anyone out there?
i regret it all. i regret helping my mum and brother reunite. it took 3 long years. and i did that. i compromised myself. i compromised my mental health. my getting better. my sanity. part of the reason i have ptsd is because of what i did for them. i created something good from something bad. of course with God by my side.
now i stand here in the cold all alone. God watching over me. what have i done? my mum and brother are okay now. and I'm not. I'm beyond okay. i am below rock bottom. all alone. with an aching heart and racing mind. i put them both first. way before me. and now I'm put last.
i respected all of my mums wishes over the years. don't let your brother know our address. he's not allowed to come over. he's not allowed contact with your other siblings.
i respected all of my brothers wishes too. don't tell mum this and don't tell mum that. swear you'll keep it a secret.
now that my job is done no one is respecting me. IM NOT EVEN ASKING FOR MUCH.
im not saying keep this secret for me. I'm not banning anyone from anything. I'm not hurting anyone. all i need is for you two to have coffee and dinner outside this house i live in. i am happy for your relationship but i have ptsd. i can't handle being near my brother.
my mum refuses to grant me this wish. even though i threaten i will kill myself. i have told her I'm at my breaking point. i have told her that i can't go on. she still doesn't listen.
this is SO much more pain than i bargained for. i know if they hadn't reunited i would still be hurting. but on a scale of 1-10 that would be a 4. I'm at 300.
the solution to me being able to keep myself safe, my mum won't give me.
so many losses. so many complications. and they just keep coming.
I don't know how much longer i can hold on. i never thought i would be this low again. i have gone far beyond rock bottom. i want to end my life again. i don't know what else to do. the person i need desperately to understand- is not listening. it's like my mum can't hear a word i am saying.
i have an appointment with my therapist on wednesday arvo ..so 2 days away. will i make it? will i live to see her again? if i do make it to see her will i tell her i don't think i can keep myself anymore?
the pain feels too great to hold. too overwhelming to bear. my mind is in overdrive. the pain is in my veins. the flashbacks are dancing around my mind like a horror movie. i want to cut to feel good. i want to run away to feel free. i want to sleep to escape.
why do i have faith in people. after everything why. after all the hurt and heartbreak. should i summarise to make it clear to you reading just how many people have let me down in the last couple of years.
number 1 worst day of my life was when i found out my dad is a pedo****
number 2 my grandma knew this all along because my aunty had been abused by him before my mum married my dad and had me and 3 other kids
number 3 my sister was being abused and my grandma only thought to speak up cos she walked in on it
number 4 my dads side of the family (not surprisingly) did not believe these facts
number 5 my aunties and uncles it almost seemed one by one began to backstab us and claim we were overreacting and that my dad was a good person. even the aunty that was abused didn't support us
number 6 no one seemed to give a crap about the domestic violence
number 7 at school i thought i would explode so i told 2 people what my dad was. biggest let down was when they ran off to the school counsellor and teachers who went to the police who went to child protection. we didn't want the police involved yet or my dad might've tried to get custody over my sister. (we were protecting her once we found out so she was safe)
number 8 my best friend of five years said she couldn't take being my best friend anymore cos my life was that depressing and there were that many new dramas
number 9 one by one friends walked away, were immature or were never even close to understanding
NB i never told anyone else and to this day no one else knows after i told those two people from school.
number 10 my latest best friend did a similar thing to what the other best friend did and we both walked away
do i need to go on?
no one understands.
no one will ever understand.
so why do i keep thinking someone will?
or that someone will react or help differently this time?
why do i have faith in people when my father committed one of the worst crimes there is and subsequently i lost my extended family, friends, happiness and many months and years due to depression.
after 15 years of having faith in my dad it turns out that he's committing the most disgusting evil.
after 15 years my extended family decide to believe my dad over all of us because what? its easier? how can it be possible?
i have tried to patch things up within the immediate family that is left. my brother lives on his own at 19. he refuses to see mum. my other brother refuses to see the brother out of home. i have ptsd so i am now limited to the contact i can have with him because in my mind I'm continually breaking down. and my younger sister is open to seeing the brother outside of home.
so many complications. so many losses.
and they just keep coming.
do i cut my brother off or not. he has triggered my ptsd and now i am so paralysed by any contact or thought that i feel i need to cut him off even just for a while. my therapist reckons i need to be honest with him and tell him I'm struggling. because at this point i haven't said anything...ive just been very distant and been ignoring his calls etc and last week he asked why I'm so distant. so he's catching on.
my brother has just been recently kicked out of my dads house. he's 19 and now living in a one room house at the back of someone else's house. he has two jobs and centreline payments should start soon and he's also at uni full time. i've got him to this point. i've done my duty. I'm tired and exhausted mentally physically and emotionally. now its my turn to get better.
of course if i take a break from him, if theres an emergency i will help him.
so now what to say? and how to say it?
i could say I'm struggling with family stuff and i need time to process through things. but then what if he asks why does that mean time away from me?! i can't tell him that i have flashbacks of him hurting my other brother or the horrible domestic violence and his abuse towards my mum because that would drag him down and also he claims to not have a memory about half the stuff that happened anyway.
God please give me words, please help me get through this.
am i addicted to drama?
how is it that i never want therapy to end.
how is it that it seems i always need to have something wrong with me...depression, suicidal ideation, cutting, panic attacks, ptsd...whats next once i recover from ptsd? (touching wood I do)
i can no longer imagine life without problems or therapy or family drama because it has been almost daily and extremely dramatic and on an intense scale for so many years..wow its been 5 years and counting...
it's hard to imagine where i will be emotionally in 10 years or even 5...or even 1 year for that matter.
am i a drama junkie or is it just my circumstances that make me feel that way? i mean would anyone else in the same position feel the same way and react the same way?
i am paralysed. i don't think i can answer your calls anymore. let alone see you.
let me explain to those of you reading.
as of 3 weeks ago my ptsd symptoms from a couple of years ago have flared up in a sudden attack and have taken over my daily life. i am reliving domestic violence, scarring events, memories are flooding me. with each memory that i 'ground' myself another one pops up. this has made me remember how horrible my brother was to me my mum and siblings a few years back and now its seems crazy to everyone around me but after being 'best friends' with him for the last couple of years and helping him get his life on track..i now cant talk to him without breaking down..and thats over the phone! i am paralysed. my brain feels it will explode. i am avoiding seeing him and have managed to for the past 3 weeks.
i feel im sinking deeper into this pit of blocked memories. i feel alone. distant. my brother has noticed something is wrong and has asked why are you so distant. but when i talk to him i can say no more than a couple of words and i say im fine. mum says i cant tell him i have ptsd or he'll feel bad slash guilty for being one of the triggers. which is a fair pt but also he did cause a lot of emotional trauma and scarring.
so what am i to do. who knows how long this will take to process. they say approx 10 to 16 sessions? that would mean a yr since im limited to about that many sessions under this system a yr.
what do i do? tell my brother? cut him off for a year so i can get better? distance myself? do what im doing? far out.
friendship is officially over. so you delete me as a sister on fb? now what? i don't get how we got here. i don't understand how everything turned so sour.
all i know is im so glad i didn't tell you more than i did. im glad i didn't tell you about the cutting. im glad i didn't tell you the truth about my father who is dead to me and that he is a pedophi** im glad i didn't tell you so many things.
cos here we are now with nothing to say to each other and none of it was my fault. imagine if i was sitting here now not knowing how we went from best friends to nothing but knowing that you knew all those deep dark secrets of my life.
it would be all that much more horrible.
being addicted to therapy is like a disease. i need my hit at least once a month. i need to see her at least once a month. if i dont i call her or i email her. this is a disease. a disease with no cure. i either stop and suffer or continue and suffer.
my therapist told me to cut! WTH?!?!?!?!?!
i want that to be my last session.
what annoys me is she probably wont even care. she clearly is fed up with me and saying her suggestions wont work. her suggestions are stupid and superficial.
if only i could quit and NOT LOOK BACK.
in about an hour i'll be getting ready to leave for therapy. its been 3 and a half weeks since my last appt. and probably will be a month until my next.
every time i go i feel the need to make more and more out of the sessions. in the last few sessions i think ive been better at making the most of it and saying stuff.
today as usual its all a jumble in my head. what do i want to talk about? what do i need to talk about? what do i wanna get out of the session?
in the last week i have had the temptation to cut again. i havent had the temptation in so many many many months!! why has the temptation come back? i feel like im going forwards and backwards at the same time. i feel good about a lot of things in my life but yet i feel the temptation to cut? i have felt really crap and sick this past week and ive thought its been anxiety but i reckon its just me not following the pill. so i felt like cutting to stop that sickness.
i havent been taking my nutritional supplement for mood. i took it like twice in the last month. lol sick joke. i was supposed to take it every day...
the reuniting of the fam doesnt seems to be going ahead. k isn't ready to take the leap until m is ready. i need to accept that.
nicole and i are still not talking. i don't know where we stand. if she started talking to me today and apologised i would forgive her and stay friends but i dont think theres anyway we can go back to being best friends.
good luck to me for todays session.
i literally feel sea sick. i feel like throwing up. i feel uneasy. unsteady. there could be many reasons for this.
am i anxious because my best friend and i or should i say ex best friend have had a rough 6 months and are now not talking. im so over people being a let down and walking all over me and not understanding. at one level im not surprised at this because it seems so many people are oblivious to the reality of most things in life. first amy and now nicole. who next? i need to be careful with who i trust.
i tell people things i havent told anyone else and then months or even years later they walk away. and for what reason?! because the pressure for 100% understanding and unconditional support builds up and is unfulfilled? i dont feel i ask for much. i dont feel that i have done wrong in any of the past friendships. i feel i have been wronged.
i have learnt many many lessons from failed past relationships. it hurts a lot. i have all kinds of physical symptoms namely now sea sickness. this is ridiculous. its killing me slowly. i literally feel like im dying.
and so im blogging because in the past writing about things has been my medication.
the pain i feel in this moment will never be understood by another human 100%. ever.
i feel im falling through the fine lines of life..the system..everything..all over again.
and why? what for? i feel exhausted again. is the depression back? i struggle a bit more each day. like all of a sudden im hiking up a very steep hill. ive had a great ride the last 3 months. i had my break from therapy and that cleared my head so much more than i could've ever anticipated. and now two sessions in i feel the life of me beginning to be drained. someones pulling on the carpet of life that im standing on. could it be the therapy or is it just the new stresses of life? like kerrydan leaving..dad moving in with his gf..?
im back to crying for no reason.
i wake up tired.
my body is protesting again.
it all seems just a little out of reach.
2 years ago my k10 score was 36. aka high chance of severe mental illness. just two years on, today i went to the doctor and it is 15...i never thought id be here. this is 'normal'. how did this happen?
i feel so amazed. and happy. and relieved. scared i'll jinx myself though..i mean was i really honest? oh why must i doubt myself.
as i feel the depression now lifting i feel more and more angry as if all the blocked anger is now becoming unblocked.
ive read in many psychology books and on the net that depression is also known as blocked anger. is it possible that you need to become angry once the depression lifts cos the anger unblocks or how do people then move past the anger? cos the more i think about it i realise the more angry i get the more im gonna start thinking about things real deeply again and then wont that just lead me back to depression?
so am i stuck in another ugly cycle of emotions and processing my life?
if this is what it feels like to have a therapist who works full time and sees almost 10 people a day then i want someone who works casually 2 days a week and only sees 10 people at any one time.
she repeats things she's said ages ago. even stories about herself. she forgets what she's told me and what i've told her and what important people know like my mum.
...inferior without your consent. thats what my therapist told me and yet shes making me feel inferior! oh the irony.
Previous Postsshe shot me down, posted December 18th, 2012
don't, posted October 2nd, 2012, 1 comment
desperation, posted October 2nd, 2012
regret, posted September 18th, 2012
the pain is too great, posted September 16th, 2012
why, posted April 30th, 2012
life decisions, posted April 18th, 2012
drama junkie, posted April 13th, 2012
ptsd attack, posted April 9th, 2012
the end., posted March 15th, 2012, 2 comments
diseased, posted March 5th, 2012
not looking back, posted February 14th, 2012
therapy today, posted February 12th, 2012
sea sick, posted February 7th, 2012
suffering in silence, posted December 16th, 2011
slipping through the cracks, posted October 12th, 2011
k10 score?, posted September 13th, 2011
depression=blocked anger, posted September 9th, 2011, 2 comments
just me and the therapist, posted August 21st, 2011
no one can make you feel..., posted August 12th, 2011
holding back tears, posted August 8th, 2011
simple words, posted July 28th, 2011
break from therapy., posted July 23rd, 2011
WHY AM I SO ANGRY, posted June 19th, 2011
just trying to help myself, posted April 29th, 2011
so over it, posted April 16th, 2011, 1 comment
never wanna hope again, posted March 25th, 2011
hw from my therapist, posted March 1st, 2011
im carrying it all for you, posted February 19th, 2011
an overdose is looking good right about now, posted February 9th, 2011, 1 comment
and down i go, posted January 25th, 2011, 3 comments
famous last words, posted January 10th, 2011
should have jumped, posted January 8th, 2011, 1 comment
my everything is not enough, posted December 30th, 2010
you're everywhere, posted December 20th, 2010
depression, posted December 16th, 2010, 1 comment
maybe i cant do this, posted December 11th, 2010
why can't i call you?, posted December 6th, 2010
my victory, posted December 5th, 2010
this time last yr, posted December 3rd, 2010, 2 comments
single again, posted December 2nd, 2010
mood swings, posted December 2nd, 2010
shouldn't have said a word to my therapist., posted November 30th, 2010
saying all the wrong things, posted November 29th, 2010
mini vent, posted November 29th, 2010
so low, posted November 24th, 2010
living a lie, posted November 24th, 2010
my face just hit a brick wall with infinity measurements., posted November 23rd, 2010
rigging my k10 score, posted November 23rd, 2010
hanging by a thread, posted November 21st, 2010
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos